It usually happens during sex, as bleeding is caused by the hymen being ripped or torn.
We need to make very clear that a hymen will not do this all the time. Many people find that they do not bleed the first time they have sex. Most hymens have a hole already in them, and sex causes that hole to stretch a bit due to penetration.
A vagina that is wet and stays lubricated, one that is treated gently, will be much less likely to bleed than one bludgeoned by a penis or fingers without waiting for wetness, or readiness. So go slow, get wet, use lube if you’re feeling friction, and if you do bleed, then that’s okay. Hymens happen, and sometimes they bleed when the sex is rough.
Um. Condoms? I mean, really, it’s like the easiest possible thing you can do to have safer sex. You don’t need to be 18 to buy condoms. And you certainly don’t need to be 18 to walk into a community clinic (like Planned Parenthood) and snag a handful of them for free.
Other than abstinence there is no way to be SURE you won’t get pregnant. But condoms GREATLY reduce your risk of unwanted pregnancy. Condoms in conjunction with one or more other method (spermicide, knowing when you’re most fertile and abstaining from sex during that time, birth control when you have access to it, etc.) will lower your risk even more. But seriously. Condoms.
As far as the friends with benefits thing. We have a whole tag for that.
As for the pregnancy prevention…
Calm down. You’re totally normal. This is called squirting. Check out the tag.
Hi there! You’ll find the answer to this in the hymen tag!
You’re most likely just lucky. Very lucky. Don’t push your luck. I don’t about your age or other health considerations but if you’re not trying to get pregnant and you still have ovaries and a uterus, please use a condom.
If you’re worried you may have fertility issues talk to a doctor about it. But in the mean time, condoms. For the love of glob, condoms.
(Also, the pull out method does fuck all to prevent disease and infection. Seriously. The pull out method is THE WORST METHOD of “safe” sex ever. It’s not safe sex. It’s unsafe sex.)
Okay, so I get wanting to help your friend. I don’t think threatening to cut her off if she doesn’t do what you want is a good way of supporting her though. That doesn’t seem supportive, does it?
Abuse victims need help, patience and understanding. You need to meet her where she’s at. Or walk away and quit pretending you’re her friend. If you can’t hang with the choices she’s making, own that that’s on you and not her. Don’t blame her for not being able to walk away from an abusive relationship. That’s super fucked up and very victim blame-y. The last thing your friend needs is someone else trying to control or manage her.
When I say meet her where she’s at I mean, listen to what she’s telling you. Help her safety plan. Stop being judgmental about her continuing a relationship with him. Acknowledge that how you would do things is different than how other people do them.
You’re not wrong for not wanting her to talk to him. But you are wrong for thinking that what you want trumps what she’s going through. You can help her by being there for her, by listening to her worries or concerns. Is she worried if she doesn’t do what he wants he’ll hurt her worse? Does she think she can “manage” his moods if she’s just around? Is she protecting someone else in his life by sticking around? Children or other family members? Is she worried no one will love her if she leaves? Is she worried about where she will live or how she’ll pay for things if he’s involved in those aspects of her life? Is she worried about losing friends or other support people? There are a LOT of concerns, valid concerns, abuse victims have that keep them in that cycle of abuse.
Listen to those concerns. Offer solutions or ideas for how to resolve them. Can you go with her to get a protective order or file charges? Can you offer her a place to stay for a few nights that will make her feel safe? Can you drive her to work or school? Can you help her access services like abuse shelters or legal aid to get those things if you can’t help her with them?
First and foremost though you need to apologize for being a jerk and handing down shitty ultimatums about your friendship while she was in the midst of a hard time.
Or walk away. But if you walk away that’s on you, that is not her fault. Everything she is doing is completely normal for a victim of abuse.
It’s actually kind of muddy, really.
A lot and nothing, at the same time.
So sexual assault can describe assaults that are sexual in nature but aren’t what the law or society might consider “rape.” This includes things like digital penetration, oral sex, touching, masturbating in front of someone, grinding your genitals on someone in public when you haven’t been invited to do so (this is common on public transportation or in crowded public spaces where strangers are basically trapped. This IS sexual assault.) but may not include out and out vaginal or anal penetration.
That said, all rape can be described as a sexual assault and most sexual assault can be described as rape. The delineation comes when it comes to pressing charges usually. (For example, in the state of Alaska where I am the most familiar with sexual assault laws, there are “rape 1, rape 2, aggravated sexual battery, sexual assault, sexual assault of a minor, drug facilitated rape, etc. laws that all correspond to a specific set of acts committed.)
Some people have a hard time saying the word rape. For a lot of victims it’s much easier to say “sexual assault.” Rape is a harsh word (and rightfully so) and not everyone is comfortable using it. I use the terms somewhat interchangeably but when I am talking to someone who has described something that is rape but is clearly having a hard time identifying it as such I tend to stick to phrases like “what you’ve described would be classified as sexual assault.” Sometimes using a more clinical/legal sounding word is easier for a victim to identify with. I try to only use rape once a victim has already used the word first. (Or when a perpetrator has asked if what they did is considered rape. I have no problem telling rapists they’re rapists.)
So, tl;dr version: the difference between sexual assault and rape is a matter of legal, semantic or personal definition.
Not at all!
Kinks are kinks because they subvert the things we consider “normal”. If I, a card carrying feminist, get a perverse joy out of the idea of someone bending me over their knee and spanking me, then that doesn’t make me less of a feminist.
The BDSM community has had a whirlwind of activity from new people interested in the culture since 50 Shades of Grey came out, and that book holds BDSM in such a horrible light. The dude doesn’t ask for consent, doesn’t listen to her repeated “no” regardless of what the no is in regards to, and removes her from her comfort zone without her consent. I don’t care what else happens in the book, that dude is a rapey fucker, and the BDSM community has had to have a lot of sit down chats with people who think that the book portrays a healthy BDSM relationship.
Now, why did I go into all of that? Because I want you to know that BDSM isn’t always about being put in your place, or about putting someone else in their place even. And there is nothing about it that is inherently anti-feminist.
Quite to the contrary: knowing exactly what you want out of your sex life is quite empowering indeed.
still hang out with him, play DnD with him. My boyfriend has told him flat out that he is an awful human being, and that his behavior needs to change like rn, but he also still plays dnd and hangs out at the bar we all like with him, etc. Despite the fact they all warn off any drunk girls that Zed tries to take advantage of (he always tries to get them drunk first), I feel that because no real shunning or any other consequences have occured, Zed’s behavior is being reinforced as more okay than bad.
I’ve spoken to my bf about this several times, but I don’t know how to convince and by proxy the others to stop hanging around Zed, so Zed gets the message his behavior is reprehensible. I am also deeply worried that I or some of the girls in the group may eventually be assaulted by him. Do you have any advice about to get them to tell/show Zed what happens when someone rapes people (i.e. loses all respect and friends)?
Okay, before I get into anything, I’m going to give you a couple of links to read. Specifically:
- The Missing Stair by pervocracy
- My friends group has a case of the creepy dude by Captain Awkward
- Five Geek Social Fallacies by Michael Suileabhain-Wilson
Okay, read them? Great.
So to summarize what you’ve told me:
- Zed is a rapist.
- Everyone in the friends group knows he’s a rapist.
- Everyone in the friends group hates him because he’s a rapist.
- And yet… they do nothing about it.
So one of two things are happening. Option one is that they really do hate him, and they really do wish he were gone. But because of GSF1, Ostracizers Are Evil, they don’t do anything about his behavior, because kicking him out would make them horrible people. At best, they might even think that the better option is to stay “friends” with him in order to play Rape Babysitter for him, rather than recognizing that hey, no one in our friends group likes this dude, so why the fuck do we still hang out with him?
Option two, which is the worse option, is that not everyone hates Zed. Maybe they recognize that he’s a bad guy, but they prefer hanging out with him over the idea of kicking him out. Maybe they call him a rapist behind his back the same way I call one of my friends a lovable and charismatic jerk. Maybe they don’t actually understand the implications of his behavior and so do nothing.
You’ve talked to your boyfriend. Has he actually listened, or has he blown you off? What would he do if Zed did assault someone in the group? What if Zed assaulted you?
Actually, here’s a better question: what does it say about this friends group that Zed feels comfortable enough with them to try and rape someone in their presence? Because that’s what he’s doing, right? Trying to get them drunk while his friends are there? They’re warning off the girls, but why does Zed think that behavior is okay to try in front of them in the first place?
If that concept doesn’t get through to them - that Zed is a threat, to you and the other women of the group, and that his behavior is so normalized that he thinks that he can try and get a woman drunk while out with friends - then they, despite their claims to the contrary, are actively enabling a rapist. If you can convince your boyfriend or his friends that they need to do something other than step around his behavior, then you might be able to work something out.